My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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