what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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