Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
