i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
whose ass print is on the piano?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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