eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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