i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
