I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
