20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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