cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
