my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
