You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Randomize
