Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
