I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
please don't ironically join a cult
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