I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
