This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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