I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
