I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
