why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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