Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
