Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
