I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
