I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
