watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
