Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize