last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
