god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
