you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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