I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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