"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
