dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
