I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
