he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize