just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
