The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
