whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
