I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
