so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
