Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
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