the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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