Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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