Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Damn victory sex feels great
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
