I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
