I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
