oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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