Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
