And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
