I just saw a hot homeless man
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
