I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
