I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
