i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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