The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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