I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
