either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
