I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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