you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
