saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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