This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
