He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
