btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
