I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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