She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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